i don’t know, lately people have been mentioning that i’ve been looking more cheerful, that i’m becoming like how i used to be again

i don’t really know how i feel about that. i wouldn’t go so far as to call myself happy, maybe just less selfish. maybe just better at pretending. better at hiding. better at lying. i guess.

in all honesty, i’ve just been feeling very… fickle, lately. i don’t think i can really help it. one minute i’m fine and the next minute i’m a stuttering, slouching, uncomfortable mess who finds it almost physically impossible to make eye contact and hold a decent conversation. it’s infuriating and endlessly frustrating, but a part of me feels… okay with it, almost. like i’ve already accepted it as a flaw but i don’t feel inclined to go about fixing it in any way.

ah yes, that’s me; never speaking up, never taking initiative, never being assertive, but always going along with whatever seems most convenient— most comfortable. least painful. 

lately i’ve been so frustrated— that’s it, just frustrated. i can’t seem to ever connect my thoughts together anymore. it’s like they’ve been thrown hastily into a deep well far too dark and too narrow to navigate, let alone utilize. i stutter almost twice as much as i used to. i feel like i’m forgetting vocabulary with every waking moment. my language arts teacher no longer pays attention when i raise my hand, because she knows all that will come out is, “it’s like— it’s sort of… uhhhhh, i can’t, i don’t know how to put this into words—”

it takes me more than three hours to write an essay. it’s like my mind goes blank. what’s going on? i’m scared this is so strange i get so anxious when i have to talk these days i’m starting to avoid it all together. 

i’m going in to talk to my english teacher tomorrow to go over my paper, but it’s 12am and i’m only on the intro paragraph. i’ve been stuck on the intro for over an hour. she’s the one teacher i don’t want to let down, yet it seems like that’s all i’ve been doing lately. maybe i’ll tell her about all this tomorrow and hope that she has some advice for me. i’m really scared and nervous i hate this so much i’m so frustrated im so frustrated im so frustrated

i guess i never really realized what the consequences would be of pushing someone away until you called me out for it and left me stuttering and blubbering and eating my own words like a fool

but who are you kidding, you piece of shit

you’re not the victim here— you’re doing this to yourself. people won’t talk to you? big fucking deal, why don’t you try talking to them for a change? what, you think your life is bad right now? moping around and being sad about it isn’t going to change a damn thing, and you know that the best. you can’t complain about people not giving you attention when you’re the one shying away. look at you— oh, i’m so lonely! my skype is logged off, i never check facebook, i ignore all my texts— no one cares about me! 

jesus fucking christ i hate you

i feel very out of place, as if i’m just sort of drifting along with the current again. i’ve been really out of it lately. i got a 48% on a chemistry quiz that i thought i had aced. i need to retake a geometry test that i failed a while back on wednesday, but it’s been so long that i don’t remember a single thing. ap world history tests are approaching at an alarming pace and yet i’m sitting here, feeling very confused and sad and angry and too lazy to even think of better adjectives

i’ve been losing touch with my friends and i’ve been feeling very jealous lately, of people who i’d thought i’d never feel jealous of. i’m beginning to hate my weight for the first time, and i’m beginning to feel weary of being sad for the first time. i feel hesitant to reblog, post, write, draw anything out of fear of seeming overly dramatic or annoying or fake. i feel like i’ve lost interest in a lot of things that used to make me at least somewhat happy, yet i don’t seem to have any motivation to fix anything.

more than anything, though, i feel that old familiar scent of disapproval in the air, and the old ghosts have come back to haunt me. you’re not good enough, they whisper, softly at first, and then bolder, more daunting, more glaring, more there as time goes by. no one really likes you, they’re just sort of stuck with you and they can’t really leave. you’re like a worn out t-shirt that’s not even worth donating, let alone wearing. you’ve been washed and wrung out time and time again— you’re nothing new. they think you’re an idiot, they think you’re fake and dumb and they’re just sick of you, aren’t they? 

you’re sick of you too, aren’t you?

i thought i was okay for a while but im starting to feel bad again

im. scared

i’ve come to realize that i’m attracted to those who show interest in me

if its someone i didn’t really show an interest in beforehand, i dilusion both of us into thinking that there’s chemistry there when it’s just loneliness, and i just end up leading them on, and then i start picking up on all their flaws and i start stacking them up so high that i just start to ignore them completely

but if the situation is opposite and it’s a person who perks my interest, i end up over-assuming and i develop a rather vain mindset towards every action of theirs and obsessively hunch over tiny details that didn’t even matter in the first place

overall it’s a rather shallow and despicable habit that i have no intentions of fixing— or rather, i guess it’s more so that i have absolutely no inkling as to how to fix it. 

i guess i am not as coldhearted or cruel or distant as i once thought myself to be. i am not as messed up nor as stressed or depressed or pitiful as i once believed.

i suppose i should be a bit glad about that fact, but for some reason it makes me feel worse.